Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
