The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
