Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
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