I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
