Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
