I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
