I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize