I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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