i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
