Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
