First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
