so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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