I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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