The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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