I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
bring money and cleavage
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
