I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
