When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
