i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize