he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
