We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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