I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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