I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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