He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
