Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
