I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize