Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
