I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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