Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
