I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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