Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
