Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
