you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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