Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
