I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
