Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
