I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
