oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Randomize
