well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Randomize
