I will die if light touches me.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
