I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Holy shit dude........stairs
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
