i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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