False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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