You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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