Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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