the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Text me some of your sweat
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
