I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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