Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
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