ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
