Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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