in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
