One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize