Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
