I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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