I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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