I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
