a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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