My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
