I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
