I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
