It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
