how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you traded sex for a burrito?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Panties = found
Randomize
