My liver just broke up with me...
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
