Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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