you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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