Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
it hurts more in the daytime
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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