a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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