Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
