you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize