you traded sex for a burrito?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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