I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
